A conversation with...

Fran Drescher
Actress
Audience: Females aged 14-29

Me: Hello, Ms. Drescher. How are you feeling right now?
F.D.: I'm doing great, sweetheart. You're such a polite boy!
Me: Thanks! Hey, did you see that Avatar movie by James Cameron?
F.D.: Oy... I loved watching Dances With Wolves and Pocahontas, so I knew I'd like this one. It was good.
Me: Nice.
F.D.: Did you see that Hereafter movie?
Me: No.
F.D.: Me neither, but I did hear it was good *laughs for several seconds*
Me:Anyway, I'm a big fan.
F.D.:  Aw, thank you. I wish I could say the same! *laughs for several seconds* What is your name again?
Me: Jonathan. How's your dog?
F.D.: Aw, Esther's good. She's still my little sweetie-pie!
Me: Just like her mom.
F.D.: This cake hasn't gone sour yet. *laughs for several seconds.*

Justine Bieber
Singer
Audience: Girls aged 9-12

Me: Hi, Biebs!
J.B.: Hey.
Me: How are you?
J.B.: I'm good, thanks.
Me: Do you like having a lot of fans?
J.B.: Oh yeah, it's really nice knowing that so many people care for-
Me: I wish I had fans. Cool fans, ones with guns and ninja skills. Not like your fans, little girls.
J.B.: ...I agree with you.
Me: Really?
J.B.:  Yeah. You think I like being stalked and screamed at?
Me: ...Yes.
J.B.: Of course not!
Me: Hey, want to eat some ice cream?

((We sit down and have chocolate ice cream.))

J.B.: Thanks!
Me: You're welcome.
J.B.: You don't pick on me like everyone else does.
Me: Uh-huh.
J.B.: Want to be friends?
Me: No thank you.

Stephen King
Author
Audience: Males and females, aged 14-25

ME: Hi, Stephen King!
S.K.: Hello.
Me: I saw pictures of your house. The metal fences and spikes are cool.
S.K.: I know, right? Keeps out the restless fans. And inspired me to write a series of books about man-eating gates.
Me: Cool!
S.K.: Would you like a sneak peak of the first book?
Me: No. Do you like animals?
S.K.: Yes. Especially dogs with rabies, or animals brought back from the dead due to tampering with nature's laws and-
Me: Cujo, and a little bit of Pet Semetary.
S.K.: I'm glad you caught that. Knowing references like that will keep you from ending up in a situation where information could have helped you. Now you won't end up covered in pig's blood at the prom. At which point you use your psychic powers to seek revenge!
Me: ...Nice. You have any pets?
S.K.: Yes, I do indeed. Want to see pictures of them? I have some in my wallet.
Me: Yes!
S.K.: *Holds out a picture of a turtle* Tweetie. She's a baby I found in the sewer, wandering close to this clown I saw. *holds out a picture of a dog* This is Cujo. *holds out a picture of a child* And that's my kid. Not a pet, but cute.
Me: I agree.

Something's Gotta Give

A business-like look on Glee
Audience: Females aged 13-26

    Glee is a television show. It is a dull, cliched show that is over-hyped.

    Glee is often talked about in the hallways. It is very common to hear the constant squabble of girls discussing what's happened on the show; "OMG, what happened to Puck?" or "I hope they get together!" are constantly being repeated by the ninth grade girls.

    The cast of Glee is ridiculously shallow. The main character, Mr. Schuester, is a flat character that brings little to the show beyond wasting space. His "rival" is Sue, a fellow faculty member who attempts to bring down his glee club for reasons that fade out of importance in order to build on the hatred she has for him, which seems rather forced. Sue's character pretty much consists of being mean for the sake of being mean and moving the plot along. The students themselves are incredibly annoying; they overreact to the smallest of things or remain ever-happy and socially awkward, despite the club being ridiculously well-known and filled with popular students.

An Academic look on the Harry Potter series
Audience: Anyone aged 13-23
  
    While author of the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling, paints a vivid, entertaining world of magic and growing up, she has yet to fully develop the plots she uses.

   Many instances in the series involve Harry or other characters acting brashly or without the use of common sense. It becomes a very common sight by the fifth book; it seems Harry completely forgets about the adults that actually attempt to help and protect him, especially neglecting Severus Snape, who has helped him several times.

   Pictured: Severus Snape. He has assisted Harry Potter many times. He is most likely disliked, however,  for being rather petty and cruel to students at Hogwarts.

      Harry has managed to organize students en masse in order to form Dumbledore's Army. He and his allies successfully manage to host meetings with students while avoiding being caught by the watchful staff and Ministry of Magic's Dolores Umbridge. But there are often instances in which Harry forgets about Snape helping him in the past, any advice helpful headmaster Albus Dumbledore, his godfather Sirius Black, or any other people older than him who might be of assistance. While it could be assumed that Harry is naturally mistrustful of adults due to the abuse he has suffered in the past, it becomes excruciatingly grating to see him act without common sense in order to avoid their assistance. Such instances would nullify several obstacles in Harry's path.

An informal look on inexperience trolls.

Audience: Males aged 12-17

  An Internet troll's job is to aggravate, harass or otherwise torment people online. But it seems that as of late, trolls have lost their touch and merely became a mere nuisance.

  Most trolls online used to be very experienced. They would aggravate many, but would strike down those who deserved it. Whether they are cutting down the haughty like Jessie Slaughter (a girl who was trolled so hard she went under police protection) or simply replying with sarcastic responses to stupid questions, trolling meant something. It really affected people.

  Inspired by the antics of these trolls, many people took to attacking people on the Internet. But due to their inexperience, they make themselves out to look like immature morons who are inexperienced at using computers. They simply swear at people and spam forums, never leaving people feeling the discontent or confusion real trolls would leave. Indeed, trolls are now more like a bothersome fly buzzing around you, rather than the horrible swarm of locusts they once were.

A colloqial look on Satan birds.

Audience: Anyone aged 12-26

 Satan birds (also known as turkeys) are these horrible little birds that deserve to be wiped out faster than you can say "dodo bird" or "Beyonce's career." I'm all for animal rights and the safety of animals, but these things are nasty as all get-out and I hate them.

  Satan birds are total jerks, too: they attack you in swarms and get really mad when you hit them with snowballs in order to defend yourself. They are vicious monsters that live to torment you. That's why you gotta torment them first before they get you.

Trivial News: Friday

Audience: Males 8-10+
Purpose:

Local Boy Likes His Pet

St. Elecord Elementary School student enjoys having a pet.

 Last Friday, local student and animal-lover Joey Oak said that he liked his pet rat, Gary. Joey claims that his pet is different from other pets. "It's like it's in the top percentage of pets!"

 "It's good to see people who like their pets," says shoe-putting-on expert and child psychologist Dr. Shund. "Joey here likes his pet. He respects in and know what makes it different from other rats."

 "All animals are different," says rat expert Dr. Dach. "We did some tests, and Joey's rat really is in the top percentage of pets."

"I really like Gary," Joey said in an interview with us. "I brought him to school and show and tell one day. Everybody loved him! But what I love most of all about him is that he always listens to me talk to him, he likes to cuddle, and he loves me back. That's why I like him, and that's why he's in the top percentage of rats."

Trivial News: Thursday

Audience: Teens, 12-15
Purpose: To inform people about the wonders of carrots

Teacher Likes Carrots

Local teacher at East York Institute, Toronto: "I like carrots."

 Ms. Beagle Coronetopolous was reported to enjoy carrots when when she claimed that she "liked carrots" on Friday, November 12th, 2010 at the East York Institute library.

 "Carrots are a type of vegetable," explains plant-expert, biologist and shoe-putting-on expert Dr. Dach. "They are orange and often eaten as food."

Pictured: Three carrots. Credit: Google Images

 "Carrots are not liked by everybody," Dr. Dach's colleague, Dr. Shund, adds. "A lot of people enjoy the taste. Many others do not."

 Coronetopolous claims that carrots "are delicious," and that "they are fun to play with." She then told us that you eat them as one would other vegetables, and showed us how to make carrot-shapeships.

Trivial News: Wednesday

Audience: Males, Females 8-14

Dog Eats Food

27 Labrador Road, Toronto: On Wednesday, local shiba inu dog Weenee ate her dog food.

   On Wednesday at 5:15 PM, Weenee was reported to have gone to her bowl of food, which had been placed on the floor by her owners. She sniffed the food before eating it.

Pictured: Weenee after she had eaten her food. She went outside to "do her business" shortly afterwards. Credit: Google Images

  Weenee shocked her owners when she ate her food. She chewed her Bacon Yumms before swallowing.

 "It's quite a neat trick," says her owner, Bob Barker, canine expert. "She's very talented. She does this trick whenever she can get her paws on food."

 "Dogs need to eat n order to live," claims biologist and shoe-putting-on expert Dr. Dach Shund. "If dogs do not eat, they would be hungry. Not eating would result in them starving."

Trivial News: Tuesday

Audience: Boys 12-16

Boy Messes Up On Test

East York Institute: On Tuesday, high school student Lenny Portamakinski got a question wrong on his history test, earning him a 98%.

 "I'm so shocked," says Daniel Pleasant, expert on cheating. He had been cheating off on Portamakinski. "I was cheating off of him and I got that question wrong. Because of him, I didn't get perfect on that test."

 Portamakinski answered the 18th question of his test with 1914. The correct answer was 1912, two years off the date he put in. The test was out of 20.

 This shocking behavior seems to be spreading: several students have put in wrong answers on their tests. Fellow classmates of Portamakinski who have gotten wrong answers include Mary-Sue Pleasant with 94%, Circe Beaker with 87%, and Dach Shund with 67%. The lowest mark in the class 55%.

 "Lenny's wrong mark seems to have left a bad impression on our class!" says child psychologist Dr. Papil Lion. "Imagine: students not getting perfect marks on tests!"

 "Who has ever heard of someone not getting a perfect mark on a test?" asks Dr. Hubgerber, so-called expert on UFO's, being homeless and "people-ology."

 Portamakinski has refused to comment on his mark, other than that he forgot the right answer to the question. He guessed the answer he put in.

Trivial News: Monday

Audience: Girls, 9-16

Ballerina Puts On Shoe

Blackberry Ballet Studio, Toronto: On Monday, ballerina Isadora Duncan put her dance slippers on in a spectacular fashion so she could dance.

  "I've never seen anything like it!" claims local shoe-putting-on expert Dr. Dach. "She put her foot in one slipper with such confidence and speed! Her foot didn't miss the slipper one bit!"

  Duncan was preparing for a dance. She had already put on her other dancing clothes and only needed to put on her slippers. Only then would she be ready for her recital for the king of Scandinavia.

  "Her motions were so fluid," says other shoe-putting-on expert Dr. Shund. "She was aware of the time she had and put her slippers on in swift motions: not too fast, but not too slow. It was like watching an expert of shoe-putting-on putting their shoes on. Obviously, she has been putting on shoes for years."

  "The slippers were a great help for Isadora," says shoe expert Germaine Sheppard, who was on the scene when Duncan slipped and stabbed her leg on a prop during her solo. "When she slipped and hit a sharp decoration, the slippers helped to absorb a lot of the blood. You see, the wool material they were made of helped soak up the blood so it wouldn't stain the stage. Isadora was right to put on those slippers."

   Duncan first put on her left slipper, gently sliding them on with both of her hands. Fellow dancers claim that she then used both hands to put her other slipper on her right foot.

Newpaper Club (Do not comment)

Life As We Know It

By: Jonathan Cabral Rocha

Last Tuesday, I went to see a movie with my friend. We heard good reviews about the movie, and waited excitedly to watch it.

But that movie was sold out, so we watched Life As We Know It instead.

The movie stars Holly Berenson (Katherine Heigl) and Eric Messer (Josh Duhamel) , two people who are not only opposites, but hate each other due to getting off at a bad start. Their friends Peter and Alison however, decide to make both of them the godparents of their daughter. Meaning that if they were to die, one or both of them would have to take in the child.

Peter and Alison die pretty quickly, of course.

So Holly and Eric decide to live together and raise the baby. The movie is pretty bland, but it has its funny moments. While the story is not at all original (and in fact very predictable), it really gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Cute, worth a few chuckles and accurate in the portrayal or parenthood, this movie is worth a look.

                                                                                            Rating: 3.2/4

Scary But True 4

A story that has an element of the supernatural
Audience: For younng children, mostly around 6 years old.

I walked along the dirt path near the cottage, my mom and my sister in tow.
"Slow down," my sister exclaimed. "Wait for us. We're not late for the weiner dog races."
I was too busy waving at them to notice the road before me, for I tripped on a rock and hit the gound. I could hear my sister laughing wickedly.
As I got up, I noticed a large grey husky dog, watching me from the bushes.
"Mom, Alison!" I called to my family. "Look at this dog!"
"What dog?" my mom asked as she and my sister helped me up.
"That dog!" I shouted, pointing to the dog.
"I don't see anything," my sister said. "Stop making things up."
"But I'm not," I pleaded desperately
I watched the dog as I was dragged away my my sister.

That night, we met my dad and other sister at the campfire, enjoying marshmallows over an open fire. Well, except Alison; she said that marshmallows reminded her too much of martians.
Two men and a husky came up tothe campsite. The men were grey and had wrinkled, sagging skin. They had glowing purplish eyes that looked like enormous flames.
"Can you gie us some directions, please?" one of the men asked us.
"Ah, sure," my dad said. "Where are you going?"
I couldn't believe this! Everyone acted as though the two men were normal-looking. No one made mention of the dog.
"Westshire," the men said together. They chuckled awkwardly.
"Oh, it's about two blocks West of here," my mom said. "Take the exit to the right."
"You can't miss it," my dad said.
The men thanked us and walked off. The husky made a quick glance at my direction before following them.

When I woke up that night, I was greeted by darkness. But this darkness was different from other darkness - it was as if it were a demonic, advanced darkness. It was almost otherworldly how pitch-grey it was.
Grey.
I looked up and noticed the knook near the foot of my bed. I was surprisedI could make it out through the darkness.
There was a thump. I hid under the covers and whimpered. When I looked through my sheets at the knook, I saw two shadowy figures.
"No!" I screamed. Or at least, I tried to - I only managed a scarce whimper.
I felt pressure against my body. I looked up to see a husky on top of me, staring at me with an expressionless face.

Scary But True 3

A nightmare, real or fictional
Audience: 14+, any gender

My dream was quite bizarre, and had a whiplash of moods. It started so simply, with my getting McDonald's from a Simpsons character, Moe.
"Here you go," Moe said as he handed me my meal. "But the gay guy put sugar in everyone's sauce."
I turned to the man beside me, who smiled and grew wings.
I walked out of the restaurant and enjoyed the sunlight. I noticed two of my fellow students, Annie and Kelly.
"Hello, you two!" I said to them cheerfully. "You guys seem sad."
"We need to go to the hospital," Annie said glumly.
"I'll take you both!" I said. I pointed them to my mom's car, and we sat inside the car, waiting for this lady's hair to dry.
After waiting quite some time, I noticed the two girls turn silent. Their faces started to swell and their eyes turned dark.
"Are you two okay?" I asked.
They didn't respond. I felt cold as darkness started to invade my vision.

I awoke some time later inside a ransacked room. I could see the sun shining from outside the window. Two small dolls were placed on the floor: one with brown hair, the other with blond hair.
"Huh," I muttered to myself. "Annie and Kelly had brown and blond hair, respectively. But the dolls look nothing like them.
I picked up the doll with brown hair. It started to giggle cutely.
My mother stepped through the doorway and asked me to clean up. She went on to say, "...And take out the garbage."
She gave me a list of chores. It was hard to memorize everything with the doll giggling.
"It won't stop laughing," I said to my mother.
The doll continued to laugh. The laugh started to slow down, but remained at a high pitch.
In a panic, I searched it for an 'off' switch, or at least to look for the batteries. When I found the battery panel, I tried to take out the batteries, but to no avail. They were stuck.
"Stop laughing!" I screamed at the doll.
The doll continued to giggle. It started giggling at a faster pace. Its head turned towards me and I could see the emptiness in its plastic eyes.
Angrily, I threw the doll against a wall several times. The doll continues to laugh wickedly.
"Mom!" I screamed, hoping for her help in silencing the doll. "Help!"
The blond doll was now laughing, its hands around my mother's neck.
I gasped and turned to the brown-haired doll. It turned to look at me with a devilish stare before its head spun around like an owl.
"Stop!" I begged.
The doll escaped my grip and floated towards my face. I could hear the other doll, giggling behind me like a madman.
"Come play!" the brown-haired doll said with a nasty giggle
"Come play! Come play! Come play!" they both chanted. They grew larger and danced around me.

Scary But True 2

A deleted scene from a horror movie set in real time.
Audience: 13-17
A deleted scene from The Blair Witch Project

The scene opens to a shot in the woods. Heather is going through several bags, being watched by Michael and Josh.
Heather: "Were's the food?
Michael: "How could you be so stupid as to lose the food?!"
Heather: "I didn't lose it! Bears probably took it?"
Michael: "BEARS?!"
Josh steps between the two in an effort to calm them down.
Josh: "Guys, let's just start filming, okay?"
Heather sighs, and looks at her watch.
Heather: "It's 10:16 - we should be at that house by 10:27."
They go off, deeper into the woods. They are looking for the house of a long-dead serial killer in order to film the area for ambience.
Josh: "This film'll be great."We can win an Emmy or some shit. We'll be rich and I can get that place in Vegas for my mom and me."
Heather: "How nice."
The three are seen walking for some time. They come across a dilapitated house with broken windows and ashened awnings. The air is tainted with black dust and there is no grass in the area.
Josh: "It look like there was a fire,"
Heather has camera pointed at her face.
Heather: "The Blair Witch was rumored to eat her victims, but also rumored to burn the remains to destroy evidence."
Josh: "Well, let's go in and investigate."
Michael: "But it might be dangerous, guy!"
The two follow Heather in. She is waving the camera around, taping the innards of the house. The house has several red stains on the wall, spread to look like pentagons.
Heather: "Scary here!"
Michael: "Let's just go and get some food at a store or something. Let's just...leave this place and come back tomorrow."
Heather: "You scared?"
Michael:"I am not!"
They continue to go down a dark hall. From Heather's camera's view, we see colorless burns and marks on the wall. Several pentagons and stick people were on the walls.
There was a chirp.
Heather: "What was that?"
Michael: "Probably a mouse or something. "But let's not risk it and go-"
Heather:"No, no! I'm fine."
Another chirp, followed by a series of sounds that sound like scratching. Scratching feverishly against an obstacle.
Heather: "Mice in the walls. Mike, Josh, you guys okay?"
Michael:"Yeah, I'm fine."
There is no response from Josh.
Michael:"Josh?"
Heather: "Where is Josh?"
Heather takes a step and feels as though she is falling down a flight of stairs.

Scary But True

Story 1: A Time When You Had A Real Scare
Audience: Teen males, 4-11

The young boy, Jonathan, was only four when this event happened:
He climbed in between his parents, hiding between them. He was afraid of the darkness that engulfed his room and appreciated the company of his parents.
As he lay underneath the comforter, he could feel the air around him get cold.
"Mommy? Daddy? Something's cold," he whispered to his parents, who both replied with grunts.
The air grew cold and stale, as though Jonathan was put in a freezer and left to die. A weak breeze made its way around the room before settling as an apparition, a slender man.
Jonathan held his breath as he watched the thing float across the room like a walking monster, with tendrils wafting in the air.
"I..." Jonathan struggled to speak, caught between curiosity and fear.
He watched as the being's ethereal form stopped in front of him and extended its appendages toward Jonathan. The being started to become more defined as it got closer, revealing the creases and marks of age on its face. I had green eyes and teeth as sharp as a wild animal's, with a look of sheer insanity on its face.
The form stopped before the boy, its claws against his throat. Jonathan coul feel coldness slowly surround him as he sunk deeper into the sheets.

Collage of People

Audience:  Females, ages 8-14


The Chronicles of Alison

Alison wiped sweat from her brow, a sense of satisfaction on her mind. She had just finished washing the floors, dishes and windows, leaving her with the lone task of walking her two wonderful dogs, Sam and Shyla. She could tell they really wanted to go outside.
Shyla barked happily as Alison took out her leesh. Shyla decided to jump at her "mommy," pressing her paws against Alison's pink pymana bottoms, which matched her pink-and-white-striped top from Lululemon.
"Calm down, Shyla!" Alison said to the dog in an exhausted voice.
Shyla jumped in surprise before tripping over her paws and gently slipping against the clean floor. Alison gasped and quickly tended to the dog.
"You act like those dogs on The Dog Whisperer," Alison said to her softly. "Speaking of which... You better hurry up and do your business before Animal Rescue comes on the television."
The doorknob rattled. Sam jumped out of his bed and started barking furiously. Alison watched as the door opened to reveal her fiancee.
"Hi, Scotty!" Alison said happily.
"Hi, honey!" Scotty responded. He gave Sam a hug before going over to Alison. He said, "Ready for the concert?"
"What concert?" Alison asked.
"Don't you remember? We're going to see Ozzy Osbourn."
Alison's eyes lit up like lanturns. She was so happy that she started to cry.

End.

Audience: Females, ages 6-9

The Darings of Diedre

Diedre pressed herself against the door mischeviously, taking glee in locking her older brother out of the apartment. She then took off her Scooby-Doo jacket and Scooby-Doo shoes before cuddling up on she couch to watch a Scooby-Doo DVD.
"Let my, in, Diedre, or else I'm taking you back to your mom's house!" her brother said as he pounded his fist against the door.
Diedre was about to open the door when she saw Jessica the cat. She picked the poor cat hug and started to squeeze, much to the poor thing's displeasure.
"Let Jessica go!"her brother said.
Diedre sighed, put Jessica down and let her brother in. "Promise you won't tell?" she asked him sadly.
"I don't know," her brother said with a sly voice. "Depends if you'll make me a sandwich."
"Alright," Diedre said with a sigh. She headed into the kitchen, thinking that she could have been in much more serious trouble had her brother been meaner.

End.

Audience: Females, ages 16-25

Jenny looked at the flying squirrel in her cage. She sugar glider looked at her with indifference.
"What's wrong, honey?" Jenny's husband asked her.
"She seems a little...off?" Jenny responded.
"Off?"
"When I came back from work, she was just laying down in her cage. Usually she's all...squirrely."
"Squirrely?"
"Uh-huh? I'm thinking of going to the store and getting her a friend."
"Sounds great! Can I name it?"
"Of course!"
The squirrel started to nibble gently at Jenny's finger, which was close to the cage.
"She seems to like the idea!" Jenny giggled. "I bet she'd like to play later, too."
"With her new friend," her husband responded. "As long as she doesn't climb into my shoe like Crackers did."
"That was pretty funny, wasn't it I miss crackers..."
"Yeah, if only crabs with those sharp claws lived forever. Ouch."
"Great idea! I think we should get another crab?"
"Seriously?"
The squirrel rolled over and climbed into her nest, taking a nap.
"I'm so glad we got her," Jenny and her husband said.

What It's Like Being A Stuffed Animal: A Story of Fear and Loathing

October 1st

It was so simple at first: little old me, a simple stuffed dog, would join my best friend as he lay in bed. I would have my head on the pillow, dreaming peacefully.

Not anymore. It was a very horrible day for me! When my best friend awoke, I expected a nice pat on my head for my unending loyalty. I would never run away. But instead, I watched as he left the room, leaving me to stew in my loneliness another day.

After a while, a hand reached out to me. I soon found myself against the floor, staring into the dark and unsympathetic eyes of a large beast. Said beast had a similar build to me, but had white fur and a mouth full of sharp white teeth. The beast gleefully sank its teeth into my form. I found myself being battered repeatedly before the creature spat me out.
"What a happy girl you are," my friend said to the beast, apparently not realizing what horrors I had just gone through. "Gucci, good dog!"
The beast ignored the coos of affection and slammed her body against me, snorting and spitting while doing so.

October 5th

I woke up to see the sun rise overhead. I was unsure how long I was without my friend, but I assume at least a day.

The beast called the Gucci had thrown me under the couch, where I sat, too scared to move. I saw Gucci barking at me, baring her teeth and wagging her tail. She soon departed from my sight to follow a similar white beast, the one my friend called a "Misty." The Misty hissed at the Gucci before meowing and slapping the dog with its mighty paw.


Gucci fell asleep between the blankets of her bed. I continued to look on, wondering what to do. I thought I would stay here and wait for assistance. I told myself that my friend would be back, that he would rescue me. A part of me doubted it, but I remained strong, comforted by the thought of being with my friend.


I was still very lonely. I could feel dust settle on my form. I could see a spider pass by and step closer to the Gucci. I begged it to stop before it got to close to the beast, but it didn't seem to hear me. I watched at it walked over the Gucci's face without fear. I hoped that I would be brave enough to do the same: face the beast without fear.

October 6th

A day or two has passed, I am sure. I forgot how many suns have set and risen, it all seems to blend together.

I've been watching the clock and keeping the time. When the clock reached a certain time, my friend would be home. Only five more hours before he comes to save me.

The Gucci picked me up and started to slobber all over me. The beast apparently found it amusing to see me in pain, for it continued to throw me, pick me up in her teeth, bite my neck and throw me again. The worst part was hearing her harsh and unrelenting growls from her throat as she sank her teeth in me. I begged her to stop! But the Gucci just growled and tossed me aside again.

Soon my friend would be home. I felt less and less doubt in this, but found more and more pain as the Gucci sat on me. I was too distraught to come up with a plan of escape, but I hoped that my friend would save me  before I needed one. My next plan was....EWWW! The foul beast released a noxious fume against me! Such a fearsome beast, using organic warfare against me. I was growing less scared and more disgusted with the current situation.

October 7th


I long for the days I spent on the shelf. At least then I didn't have a beast like the Gucci stuffing me between fur-laden sheets. But forced under the sheets with the beast was now becoming natural. As I gazed at the snoring beast that slept beside me, I started to resign to my fate. Perhaps I wouldn't be saved by my friend.... No! I had to get such negative ideas out of my head!  Having faith was the only way to keep me sane.

What's this? M...my friend, is that him? Why, it is! I called out to him, forgetting he doesn't speak Dollese. I watched helplessly as he gave the Gucci a hug and walked off.

I took a nap that lasted some time. When I woke up, I found myself between the two beasts. Misty the cat hissed at Gucci the dog when she approached me. I could tell the two were at odds. As they both tried to make grabs at me, I realized that they were fighting over me.

Finally, Misty swatted Gucci away with her paw. She then jumped on me, and I could feel her claws sinking into my flesh. She was trying to tear me apart!

Where was my friend? Where did he go? Help me, my friend... Help me!

Eavesdropping on a Conversation

My teacher wants us to do ambiguously criminal behavior and listen in on conversations not involving us! Hooray, because if a teacher says we can do it, it's morally right.

Background: The characters of my mom and Alison have not talked to each other in two days, due to both being busy. They finally have a chance to talk.

Setting: My sister's party.

Mom: Hello?
Alison: Hi. How are you?
Mom: Good. How are you?
Alison: Good.
Mom: How are you feeling.
Alison: [Sigh] A little sick.
Mom: Oh...
Alison: How's {Jonathan}?
Mom: He's good.
Alison: And {my step-dad}?
Mom: He's alright.
Alison: And how's Gucci?
Mom: She's good, she's good. [Picks up crochet needles, holds up yarn.]
Alison: [scratches her left arm with her right arm.]
[Awkward silence]

I was amazed by this conversation. It gave me a good look into the minds of my family, and how their actions shape the world around them. It was a spectacular conversation.

And here's another conversation.

Background and Setting: These two kids (males, estimated ages to be around ten-twelve) on the bus were talking. They are sitting in seats adjacent to one another.

Boy 1: Dude, I got the game.
Boy 2: Which one?
Boy 1: The new Kingdom Hearts game-
Boy 2: Oh, yeah, yeah... [Dusts off his left shoulder] What's it like?
Boy 1: Oh, uh...The graphics are good...Not a lot of good sound, uh... [Pause, possibly for dramatic tension]
Boy 2: Oh, okay...
Boy 1: So yeah.
Boy 2: Yeah.
Boy 1: See that movie, with the thing?
Boy 2: The thing?
Boy 1: Uh, the movie with the cops and the...the thing.
Boy 2: No, I didn't. But which film?
Boy 1: Never mind.
[Bus stops suddenly, both lurch forward]
Boy 2: Woah!
Boy 1: I know, right? [chuckle] But yeah, how was your weekend?
Boy 2: It was good, I guess. How's yours?
Boy 1: Good, good.
[After four stops Boy 2 gets off the bus]

I was shocked by this conversation, but intrigued by its simplicity, with a lack of underlying themes.

Int.

With the release of the movie, Dachshund Disaster, I was given a rare chance to interview the author of the novel the movie was based on, Jonathan Cabral Rocha
Me: "Pleasure to meet you."
Rocha: "Likewise."
Rocha is the author of several cult classics, such as Why Twilight and Glee Sucks, Flesh-Eating Zombie-Hookers, and Dachshund Disaster. He mainly focuses on satire aimed at young adults.
Me: "You recently released a new story. Care to tell us about it?"
Rocha: "Part A is about a young girl and her dog. They are going to the zoo. As my tract, it's a comedy."
Me: "How do you feel about Dachshund Disaster making its big-screen debut?"
Rocha: "Normally, I dislike adaptions of books, games, what have you. But I was involved with the creative process of the movie. I can say that Dachshund Disaster the movie is faithful to the book."
Rocha had previously worked as a movie critic with Roger Ebert. He gained notoriety for his scathing reviews.
His tirade against Justine Beaver-Gaga is still commonly circulated online, months after his rant on an American television show, The Colbert Report.
Me: "What is Dachshund Disaster about?"
Rocha: "I decided to dip into politics and write bout the segregation of pit-bulls and other dogs in Honolulu. I felt people should be aware that no dog is a threat and should all be given loving homes."
The movie has already gained a lot of controversy" several followers of the kitten activist Adolf Kitler are denouncing the movie as pro-dog propaganda and slander of the Kitty Movement.
The Iowanatta sect of the Kitty Movement is holding a book-burning of Dachshund Disaster.

Story

"Ready to go?" my big sister asked as she put a leash on our dog.
"Of course!" I said cheerfully, looking down at my dachshund sneakers.
We were going for a walk down Ugelli Alley, which was the shortest path to the zoo. I was very eager to see the Tasmanian dachshunds.
I admired my sister. She was dressed to the nines in Dachsacci-designed dressed, much like the dress she wore now.
She was kind enough to take me to the zoo, and she bought me a similar dress.
"How about ice cream afterwards?" I asked.
"You'll spoil your dinner," she said, much to my chagrin.
We strolled out of the house and followed our dachshund down the allay. The breeze struck us powerfully, but we were undaunted in our quest.
Our dachshund stopped suddenly.
"What is it, girl?" my sister asked.
The dog growled as a large man with a large gun walked briskly towards us.
"Get down, roaches!" he commanded.
I started to scream. My sister covered my mouth and guided me to the ground.
The two of us were on the ground, at the mercy of the wan. He grabbed our dachshund's leash from my sister's hand.
"What's going on?" I cried out to my sister.
"It'll be okay," she told me. "Stay quiet."
The man kicked my side and told me to stop crying.
"Stop it!" my sister hissed at him.
The man lifted me up by my arm and said to my sister, "You'll pay for your people's crime against mine."
I whimpered.
"Don't hurt her!" my sister screamed.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Please, mister, let me go!"
"You are young and strong," the man said to my sister. "You can work in the mines. As for your sister..."
Our dachshund started to bark. The man let her leash go. We watched as the dog ran away.
"You can be a slave," the man said to me. "And I'll-"
My sister screamed and ran at him, leading the man to shoot her twice in the chest.
I was too shocked to cry. I had no idea what was going on. This was a horrible, scarring experience.
"Come, girl," the man said to me. He started to drag me away from the scene.
To my surprise, our dachshund ran out at us and sunk her teeth into the man's calf.
The man swore. I took my chance to escape and ran.
"Sister," I whimpered as I saw my sister's limp form on the ground.
I gave her a hug.
She did not respond.

Cues: The thing came hurtling from space and crashed into the building, engulfing it in flames.

The thing came hurtling from space and crashed into the building, engulfing it in flames. Dachshund could hear the agonizing cries of the people inside as they slowly burned to death.
"We have to do something!" Dachshund cried to his men. "We have to put out the fire!"
"But how?" Shundach asked. "We can't afford to waste the water."
"But we can't let those people die!"
"If we save them, we won't have enough water to last us through the drought. The needs of the many-"
"Outweigh the needs of the few, I know..."

Dachshund stared out to the object that crashed. Was it one of those planes he heard of? He hadn't seen one in over thirty years.
"Do you guys know what that is?" he asked. "Are there any people or supplies inside it?"
"It looks like a saucer," Ellis asked as she scratched behind her ears. "I think we shouldn't go near it until we know that it's safe."
Dachshund listened to the agonizing cried of the people in the building. He sighed to them and said, "We could risk wasting the water and try to save the object. Should we try it?"

Cues: She slammed the door, screaming at the top of her lungs, "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

She slammed the door, screaming at the top of her lungs, "You have GOT to be kidding me!"
"Never!" Dachshund laughed as he held the treats to her door. "These are mine, now!"
"No, I bought those treats with my hard-earned cash."
"But I won them!"
"All you one is this..."
Evangeline opened her door and pushed her brother  against a wall.
"Ow, you meanie!" Dachshund whined. "I'm telling Auntie..."

As Dachshund made it to the stairs, Evangeline ran up to him and pushed him. Dachshund tumbled down the stairsand hit the bottom with enough force to create a crack in the wall.
Dachshund sprang up and pulled the carpat that lined the stairs, causing Evangeline to roll down. Dachshund jumped out of the way at the last possible moment.

"You bastard!" Evangeline screeched. "You cannot win!"
"I will tell on you, even if it's the last thing I do."
"Believe me, it will be."

Cues: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, the princess Dachshund raised her paw and readied to speak to her people. This was a bi-annual event, and should she mess up, she knew she would lose all respect and admiration of her people. Needless to saw, she was incredibly nervous.
"Are you ready?" came the voice of her attendand, Lenny.
"Ready," she said with a sigh. "Should I-"
The felt something descend upon her.

She woke up some time in a daze. Finding herself in the catacombs under her palace, she started to call out for help.
"No one will listen to you," came Lenny's voice. He scoffed and went on, "And what a shame, since you can't make that speech."
"Why, Lenny?" Dachshund asked. "Whyhave you betrayed me? Why are you trying to ruin my kingdom?"
"I think you know why."

Cues: It was a dark and stormy night...

It was a dark and stormy night...

Dachshund was looking down at the ocean, contemplating what had happened the night before.
"It should still be there," he said with a triumphant smirk. "Pretty soon, I'll..."
He looked around and made sure that there wasn't anybody to spy on him.

He knew he had to act soon, or leave town. He had to move with the easiest of grace and dive in before the run rose.
"Or should I leave it?" he asked himself as he studied his fingers. "I already made it this far..."
So he dove right in.