A conversation with...

Fran Drescher
Actress
Audience: Females aged 14-29

Me: Hello, Ms. Drescher. How are you feeling right now?
F.D.: I'm doing great, sweetheart. You're such a polite boy!
Me: Thanks! Hey, did you see that Avatar movie by James Cameron?
F.D.: Oy... I loved watching Dances With Wolves and Pocahontas, so I knew I'd like this one. It was good.
Me: Nice.
F.D.: Did you see that Hereafter movie?
Me: No.
F.D.: Me neither, but I did hear it was good *laughs for several seconds*
Me:Anyway, I'm a big fan.
F.D.:  Aw, thank you. I wish I could say the same! *laughs for several seconds* What is your name again?
Me: Jonathan. How's your dog?
F.D.: Aw, Esther's good. She's still my little sweetie-pie!
Me: Just like her mom.
F.D.: This cake hasn't gone sour yet. *laughs for several seconds.*

Justine Bieber
Singer
Audience: Girls aged 9-12

Me: Hi, Biebs!
J.B.: Hey.
Me: How are you?
J.B.: I'm good, thanks.
Me: Do you like having a lot of fans?
J.B.: Oh yeah, it's really nice knowing that so many people care for-
Me: I wish I had fans. Cool fans, ones with guns and ninja skills. Not like your fans, little girls.
J.B.: ...I agree with you.
Me: Really?
J.B.:  Yeah. You think I like being stalked and screamed at?
Me: ...Yes.
J.B.: Of course not!
Me: Hey, want to eat some ice cream?

((We sit down and have chocolate ice cream.))

J.B.: Thanks!
Me: You're welcome.
J.B.: You don't pick on me like everyone else does.
Me: Uh-huh.
J.B.: Want to be friends?
Me: No thank you.

Stephen King
Author
Audience: Males and females, aged 14-25

ME: Hi, Stephen King!
S.K.: Hello.
Me: I saw pictures of your house. The metal fences and spikes are cool.
S.K.: I know, right? Keeps out the restless fans. And inspired me to write a series of books about man-eating gates.
Me: Cool!
S.K.: Would you like a sneak peak of the first book?
Me: No. Do you like animals?
S.K.: Yes. Especially dogs with rabies, or animals brought back from the dead due to tampering with nature's laws and-
Me: Cujo, and a little bit of Pet Semetary.
S.K.: I'm glad you caught that. Knowing references like that will keep you from ending up in a situation where information could have helped you. Now you won't end up covered in pig's blood at the prom. At which point you use your psychic powers to seek revenge!
Me: ...Nice. You have any pets?
S.K.: Yes, I do indeed. Want to see pictures of them? I have some in my wallet.
Me: Yes!
S.K.: *Holds out a picture of a turtle* Tweetie. She's a baby I found in the sewer, wandering close to this clown I saw. *holds out a picture of a dog* This is Cujo. *holds out a picture of a child* And that's my kid. Not a pet, but cute.
Me: I agree.