A conversation with...

Fran Drescher
Actress
Audience: Females aged 14-29

Me: Hello, Ms. Drescher. How are you feeling right now?
F.D.: I'm doing great, sweetheart. You're such a polite boy!
Me: Thanks! Hey, did you see that Avatar movie by James Cameron?
F.D.: Oy... I loved watching Dances With Wolves and Pocahontas, so I knew I'd like this one. It was good.
Me: Nice.
F.D.: Did you see that Hereafter movie?
Me: No.
F.D.: Me neither, but I did hear it was good *laughs for several seconds*
Me:Anyway, I'm a big fan.
F.D.:  Aw, thank you. I wish I could say the same! *laughs for several seconds* What is your name again?
Me: Jonathan. How's your dog?
F.D.: Aw, Esther's good. She's still my little sweetie-pie!
Me: Just like her mom.
F.D.: This cake hasn't gone sour yet. *laughs for several seconds.*

Justine Bieber
Singer
Audience: Girls aged 9-12

Me: Hi, Biebs!
J.B.: Hey.
Me: How are you?
J.B.: I'm good, thanks.
Me: Do you like having a lot of fans?
J.B.: Oh yeah, it's really nice knowing that so many people care for-
Me: I wish I had fans. Cool fans, ones with guns and ninja skills. Not like your fans, little girls.
J.B.: ...I agree with you.
Me: Really?
J.B.:  Yeah. You think I like being stalked and screamed at?
Me: ...Yes.
J.B.: Of course not!
Me: Hey, want to eat some ice cream?

((We sit down and have chocolate ice cream.))

J.B.: Thanks!
Me: You're welcome.
J.B.: You don't pick on me like everyone else does.
Me: Uh-huh.
J.B.: Want to be friends?
Me: No thank you.

Stephen King
Author
Audience: Males and females, aged 14-25

ME: Hi, Stephen King!
S.K.: Hello.
Me: I saw pictures of your house. The metal fences and spikes are cool.
S.K.: I know, right? Keeps out the restless fans. And inspired me to write a series of books about man-eating gates.
Me: Cool!
S.K.: Would you like a sneak peak of the first book?
Me: No. Do you like animals?
S.K.: Yes. Especially dogs with rabies, or animals brought back from the dead due to tampering with nature's laws and-
Me: Cujo, and a little bit of Pet Semetary.
S.K.: I'm glad you caught that. Knowing references like that will keep you from ending up in a situation where information could have helped you. Now you won't end up covered in pig's blood at the prom. At which point you use your psychic powers to seek revenge!
Me: ...Nice. You have any pets?
S.K.: Yes, I do indeed. Want to see pictures of them? I have some in my wallet.
Me: Yes!
S.K.: *Holds out a picture of a turtle* Tweetie. She's a baby I found in the sewer, wandering close to this clown I saw. *holds out a picture of a dog* This is Cujo. *holds out a picture of a child* And that's my kid. Not a pet, but cute.
Me: I agree.

Something's Gotta Give

A business-like look on Glee
Audience: Females aged 13-26

    Glee is a television show. It is a dull, cliched show that is over-hyped.

    Glee is often talked about in the hallways. It is very common to hear the constant squabble of girls discussing what's happened on the show; "OMG, what happened to Puck?" or "I hope they get together!" are constantly being repeated by the ninth grade girls.

    The cast of Glee is ridiculously shallow. The main character, Mr. Schuester, is a flat character that brings little to the show beyond wasting space. His "rival" is Sue, a fellow faculty member who attempts to bring down his glee club for reasons that fade out of importance in order to build on the hatred she has for him, which seems rather forced. Sue's character pretty much consists of being mean for the sake of being mean and moving the plot along. The students themselves are incredibly annoying; they overreact to the smallest of things or remain ever-happy and socially awkward, despite the club being ridiculously well-known and filled with popular students.

An Academic look on the Harry Potter series
Audience: Anyone aged 13-23
  
    While author of the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling, paints a vivid, entertaining world of magic and growing up, she has yet to fully develop the plots she uses.

   Many instances in the series involve Harry or other characters acting brashly or without the use of common sense. It becomes a very common sight by the fifth book; it seems Harry completely forgets about the adults that actually attempt to help and protect him, especially neglecting Severus Snape, who has helped him several times.

   Pictured: Severus Snape. He has assisted Harry Potter many times. He is most likely disliked, however,  for being rather petty and cruel to students at Hogwarts.

      Harry has managed to organize students en masse in order to form Dumbledore's Army. He and his allies successfully manage to host meetings with students while avoiding being caught by the watchful staff and Ministry of Magic's Dolores Umbridge. But there are often instances in which Harry forgets about Snape helping him in the past, any advice helpful headmaster Albus Dumbledore, his godfather Sirius Black, or any other people older than him who might be of assistance. While it could be assumed that Harry is naturally mistrustful of adults due to the abuse he has suffered in the past, it becomes excruciatingly grating to see him act without common sense in order to avoid their assistance. Such instances would nullify several obstacles in Harry's path.

An informal look on inexperience trolls.

Audience: Males aged 12-17

  An Internet troll's job is to aggravate, harass or otherwise torment people online. But it seems that as of late, trolls have lost their touch and merely became a mere nuisance.

  Most trolls online used to be very experienced. They would aggravate many, but would strike down those who deserved it. Whether they are cutting down the haughty like Jessie Slaughter (a girl who was trolled so hard she went under police protection) or simply replying with sarcastic responses to stupid questions, trolling meant something. It really affected people.

  Inspired by the antics of these trolls, many people took to attacking people on the Internet. But due to their inexperience, they make themselves out to look like immature morons who are inexperienced at using computers. They simply swear at people and spam forums, never leaving people feeling the discontent or confusion real trolls would leave. Indeed, trolls are now more like a bothersome fly buzzing around you, rather than the horrible swarm of locusts they once were.

A colloqial look on Satan birds.

Audience: Anyone aged 12-26

 Satan birds (also known as turkeys) are these horrible little birds that deserve to be wiped out faster than you can say "dodo bird" or "Beyonce's career." I'm all for animal rights and the safety of animals, but these things are nasty as all get-out and I hate them.

  Satan birds are total jerks, too: they attack you in swarms and get really mad when you hit them with snowballs in order to defend yourself. They are vicious monsters that live to torment you. That's why you gotta torment them first before they get you.

Trivial News: Friday

Audience: Males 8-10+
Purpose:

Local Boy Likes His Pet

St. Elecord Elementary School student enjoys having a pet.

 Last Friday, local student and animal-lover Joey Oak said that he liked his pet rat, Gary. Joey claims that his pet is different from other pets. "It's like it's in the top percentage of pets!"

 "It's good to see people who like their pets," says shoe-putting-on expert and child psychologist Dr. Shund. "Joey here likes his pet. He respects in and know what makes it different from other rats."

 "All animals are different," says rat expert Dr. Dach. "We did some tests, and Joey's rat really is in the top percentage of pets."

"I really like Gary," Joey said in an interview with us. "I brought him to school and show and tell one day. Everybody loved him! But what I love most of all about him is that he always listens to me talk to him, he likes to cuddle, and he loves me back. That's why I like him, and that's why he's in the top percentage of rats."

Trivial News: Thursday

Audience: Teens, 12-15
Purpose: To inform people about the wonders of carrots

Teacher Likes Carrots

Local teacher at East York Institute, Toronto: "I like carrots."

 Ms. Beagle Coronetopolous was reported to enjoy carrots when when she claimed that she "liked carrots" on Friday, November 12th, 2010 at the East York Institute library.

 "Carrots are a type of vegetable," explains plant-expert, biologist and shoe-putting-on expert Dr. Dach. "They are orange and often eaten as food."

Pictured: Three carrots. Credit: Google Images

 "Carrots are not liked by everybody," Dr. Dach's colleague, Dr. Shund, adds. "A lot of people enjoy the taste. Many others do not."

 Coronetopolous claims that carrots "are delicious," and that "they are fun to play with." She then told us that you eat them as one would other vegetables, and showed us how to make carrot-shapeships.